Therapist Thoughts: Neurodivergence can be exhausting...

As someone who identifies as neurodivergent themselves, I feel a strong therapeutic connection to what my neurodivergent clients experience on a daily basis. As a therapist and neurodivergent individual I think it’s essential we continue opening conversations around making the world more “neurodivergent friendly”, and lessen the expectation for neurodivergent individuals to mask and have to fit into a strictly neurotypical world.

I like to use the “spoons” analogy. Let’s say you have 20 spoons to start off your day with, and every task may or may not take a spoon. Going to work, going to the store, walking your dog, cleaning your room, going to school, making food-ALL of these take spoons. Simply put, someone who is neurodivergent often requires more spoons to accomplish something like going to school or cleaning your room. A neurotypical person could of course also feel drained by doing these things, but it may take them one spoon to complete a task, versus it may take 3 spoons for a neurodivergent person. Once the spoons are gone for the day we are socially/emotionally/mentally depleted, often needing to borrow spoons from the next day in order to keep going. This can lead to burnout, meltdowns, and an even bigger struggle with executive dysfunction as we are always depleted.

Executive functioning is what is majorly impacted with neurodivergent individuals. Things like task initiation, time management, working memory/short term memory, planning, impulse (inhibition) control, and cognitive-flexibility are some areas that are impacted. (Sensory issues deserves it’s own blog too). Another thing to note with executive functioning is SELF/EMOTIONAL REGULATION. We cannot expect ourselves to be able to complete tasks/work on improving executive functioning without focusing on what I think is the foundation for us all honestly. Feeling regulated.

Sometimes something that sounds as simple as the grocery store can be extremely emotionally exhausting for neurodivergent individuals. Think of all the executive functions it may take just to grocery shop! Planning a list, managing time in the store so you aren’t wandering or getting distracted. Not buying impulsively (okay we all struggle with this one especially when hungry!). SOCIAL INTERACTIONS. What about cognitive flexibility if an item is on your list, but then it’s out of stock? Or the label on one of your safe foods changed? For some folks they may feel these skills just come naturally, but for neurodivergent individuals we know that they do not. Especially for our kiddos who are still learning. Can you even imagine how much of a struggle for kids who are in school?? Masking (more to come on this in another blog) is one of the most exhausting “survival skills” for neurodivergent individuals in a neurotypical world. It’s time to change this!

All of this being said, one extremely important thing for everyone, especially neurodivergent individuals is…DUN DUN DUN…SELF-CARE!!!! I know. How annoying. But I don’t mean “treat yourself”. I mean allowing yourself to work on accepting that having a neurodivergent brain means IT MAKES SENSE THAT EXECUTIVE DYFUNCTION TIRES YOU OUT. It’s okay to need to recover after a large social outing, grocery shopping, a meeting, whatever it is. We can continue normalizing that neurodivergent individuals can enjoy doing all of these things, without invalidating that it feels different for us, can be more exhausting, and for some can and often does lead to emotional meltdowns and burnout. This very much exists on a spectrum. For one person you may need a night to yourself with your comfort items. For another they may be so drained that they can’t see or speak to anyone for days.

There are 2 things I find critical to supporting neurodivergent individuals (of any age). First, having a self care plan, such as going home and needing to not speak to anyone, crawling under a weighted blanket, taking a hot shower, or putting your phone on silent. Second, working on acceptance around what your needs are and what being neurodivergent looks like for you. Working on acceptance with a trained therapist for what your personal needs are is one the number one things neurodivergent individuals can do. Your brain does NOT have to work the same as anyone else’s. What’s important is for you to get to know your own brain and understand yourself. So you can best take care of you.

I work with clients of all ages on issues relating to neurodivergence. Please reach out if you’re interested in working with me.

Returning to school- What's important?

When thinking about going back to school I know a lot of parents can feel excited and stressed at the same time. Summer is great and all, but the lack of structure can be a huge challenge especially for our neurodivergent kiddos. When school gets out in the summer, there’s a change in ALL routines, and then a few months later we ask them to do the same thing all over again! The return to school can be a major challenge emotionally for many kiddos (and parents- let’s be real).

One thing I like to remind parents about with getting back to school is to work on consistency (over perfection). Be aware and be mindful that this is a time of transition for everyone, yourself included, not just the kids. Let’s look at routine versus schedule. A routine is something that we get in the habit of doing everyday versus sticking to a structured timeline of events. Routines can and are more fluid than a schedule. Think flexible versus ridged. Entering the school year with the idea of creating a consistent routine, versus a strict schedule that can be hard to follow and create stress can help lead to success.

Visuals. This may sound simple, but sometimes we have to go back to basics. Having visual schedules, calendars, and lists for tasks for your kids (and selves) can be a game change. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy if that’s not your wheelhouse. A simple notebook or list of tasks for your kids to be able to check themselves can be so helpful in getting things done, creating more consistency, and developing a new routine for the school year. Visuals are also one of the best tools for neurodivergent individuals to support with executive functioning.

Self-Regulation. I keep hearing this word used a lot more frequently in the classroom, which is amazing! But what does it mean? Many adults struggle with regulation, let alone kids, especially neurodiverse kiddos. Think about self-regulation as having the tools to calm yourself down or soothe yourself/the ability to recognize that you might need to CHILL OUT. One of the most important times to check in with your kids and teach them to check in with themselves about this is right after school. They are probably fueled with energy and adrenaline from the day (and this is most likely false, don’t trust it). Kids don’t always need to “run off their energy”. Sometimes after a long day at school they need to have a snack (hangry, anyone?) and have some quiet time. Does your kiddo meltdown after school, or struggle with meltdowns after school? They may need to have regulation time built into their after-school routines. Think of this as a reset, or plugging your phone in to charge for a little while. Regulating activities for kids can look like independent play, playdoh, reading, drawing, building legos, etc. Screen time may be useful in some situations, but generally I don’t recommend screen time be included in true self-regulation time.

Bedtime. Teaching your kids how to relax, unwind, and calm their nervous systems down before bed is such a useful tool. This goes hand in hand with self-regulation! Often times when I speak with parents about evening routines, I hear stress and rushing to “get ready for bed”. This is the opposite mindset we want to enter into for bedtime, for anyone not just neurodiverse people. Instead, if you’re running short on time, try to think about things that can be skipped or shortened and what the priorities are. For example, if your kiddo is in meltdown territory, you’re feeling frazzled, it’s close to bed, and they haven’t bathed, brushed teeth yet, or done anything to get ready for bedtime. Let’s stop and think: how successful are we going to be right now? Believe it or not it’s okay to skip that bath sometimes, give your kiddo a washcloth to freshen up, quick teeth brush, and get in jammies and get to bed. I like to call this “bedtime priorities”. Additionally, we can think about creating a better routine/structure before bed if necessary as well.

Lastly, these are just tips and not therapy or medical advice. If some of these things sound really difficult and you need support please reach out! Setting limits, routine, consistency, and following through can all be extremely challenging and you’re not alone. It takes a village to raise children, and I’m here to be part of your team.